Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
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