Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
