oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
Randomize
