one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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