He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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