shes about as inviting as chlamydia
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Randomize
