I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
