I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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