Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize
