I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
