is your mom at the bar?
Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Randomize
