the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
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