We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
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