the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
Randomize
