i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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