thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Randomize
