I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Randomize
