I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Randomize
