I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
