i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
bring money and cleavage
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
