oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Randomize
