plz talk dirty to me
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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