I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
But regardless, you really stood out last night, you should give me a chance
Sorry but you seem like a potential womanizer
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Randomize
