apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
