I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
