She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
