dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Randomize
