If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Randomize
