I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
