I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Come see our sink grown plant.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
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