I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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