new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
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