Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
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