fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
two words...techno handjob
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
