It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
