I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
