Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
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