i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
