Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize