Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
