I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
