I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Randomize
