Buhtt sex?
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
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