Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
