I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
