No stitches, just platelets and will power
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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