WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
