I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
