i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
