I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
