I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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