the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Randomize
