I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
