so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
