I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Randomize