I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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